She woke up at five in the morning, bleary eyed and slightly hungover as usual. Brunch on Sundays somehow had a habit of extending into the evening and beyond. Harsh apartment lights sprang into life as the motion sensors detected her shambling into the bathroom. Her face was a mess of smeared makeup and shame and not for the first time she wondered what the point of it all was. She would never get married, never start a family. What was the point? It was impossible, an unattainable dream, relic of a bygone age.
* * *
Massively declining sperm counts are a global problem, according to new research that has evident implications for the survival of the natural human race. Current trends in sperm counts, if extrapolated, suggest that, as early as 2050, the species may have trouble reproducing. The median man will have a sperm count of zero, meaning that one half of all men will produce no sperm at all, and the other half will produce so few as to be functionally infertile.
* * *
No matter the hour, if the sun was up so was he, smartly dressed and clean-shaven, hair tastefully tousled and not too formal as to be off-putting to the young guys straight out of Wharton or MIT. That was the funny thing about Silicon Valley: you had to be one-of-the-guys, but if you wanted to hold any actual authority, you had to be slightly above-it-all or they’d never take you seriously, even if you were the guy who signed the checks.
Another day, another dip in stock prices. They just could not keep production up. It wasn’t that the demand wasn’t there, or the raw materials were lacking. Those things could be overcome. What concerned him was the distinct lack of human capital, and he meant that literally. Staring at his computer screens, the reality began to set in that they couldn’t just import more workers from foreign countries because, for the first time in modern history, there simply weren’t enough.
* * *
Researchers have further corroborated prior information gained on sperm counts in North America, Europe, and Australia, revealing the decline in sperm counts is mirrored in South and Central America, Asia, and Africa too.
* * *
There was no real point in shaving her legs today. Or even plucking the tiny hairs that sometimes sprouted from her upper lip. Hell, she’d stopped going to the gym months ago. Why bother? There was no Prince Charming to be stricken dumb by her beauty, or even if there we’re, he’d be nothing more than yet another one-night stand gone before breakfast, the hole in her heart even bigger than it had been since she’d found that temporary ix intended to fill it.
No, the only guys she’d find, even if they weren’t overweight, slovenly lumps with the ambition of a fruit fly, wouldn’t be able to give her what she wanted, no matter the strength of their desire. And it wasn’t a her problem—she’d had the tests done and everything to prove that point; she had the receipts—it was a them problem. Like, a literal, physical problem created through no fault of their own. Yet if these poor men were blameless, why did it make her so damn angry?
* * *
Declining fertility and the resulting “crisis of masculinity” have become a political issue in the U.S. recently, aided by Fox News host Tucker Carlson’s documentary, The End of Men. The film drew furious responses from the liberal media, who accused Carlson of “ramping fears” and “push[ing] pseudoscience onto impressionable men.”
* * *
The problem, like the Hodge conjecture, would not yield to any amount of reason. As someone who was lucky enough to have children before the ability to do so had dried up in men, he felt no small amount of survivor’s guilt, like he owed it to the sad sacks of flesh and bone he supervised to somehow, someway, have children of their own. No point in kicking the ladder down after you climbed up the way his grandparents’ generation had. No, he wanted to give back, and what better way than to give the gift of life . . . literally.
And yet, there was another type of guilt that nagged him. The sense that this was proper and right. Overpopulation was a huge issue, and they’d taken care of it. That it had been solved by accident was immaterial. They’d gotten what they’d wanted. So why did victory fill him with such dread?
Once again, he turned to the numbers to distract him from these thoughts. Numbers didn’t make moral demands. He liked that.
* * *
Worrying Trends Get Worse
Now, Carlson’s claims look more prescient than pseudoscientific, with a team of researchers from Israel, the US, Denmark, Brazil and Spain analyzing sperm count data from 53 countries, in regions that had not previously been considered in such studies.
While sperm count data for North America, Europe, and Oceania had already been subjected to rigorous analysis and discussion, the same was not true for data from Latin America, Asia and Africa.
* * *
As she brushed her teeth, she wondered about doing what lots of her girlfriends used to do, try and get some hot black or brown guy from the third world, you know, full of machismo and, God help her, belief in traditional gender roles. Maybe some hot Muslim guy who’d really put her in her place, put a few kids into her, and in general be a man.
But that hadn’t been working out so hot anymore either. And her girlfriends who tried what they jokingly called the “mail-order husband thing” really got little more than the same aggressive sex with zero commitment, but with an exotic tinge to it.
So that wasn’t a viable possibility either. Who’d you need to kill to have a baby around here?
* * *
The researchers have been able to show, for the first time, that men in Latin America, Asia, and Africa are also suffering from exactly the same “significant decline” in total sperm counts (TSC) and sperm concentration (SC) as their counterparts in the West. What’s more, the researchers have also shown that the decline in TSC and SC has been accelerating globally since 2000.
“Overall, we’re seeing a significant worldwide decline in sperm counts of over 50 percent in the past 46 years, a decline that has accelerated in recent years,” said Prof. Hagai Levine in a media release to accompany the study.
“Our findings serve as a canary in a coal mine. We have a serious problem on our hands that, if not mitigated, could threaten mankind’s survival. We urgently call for global action to promote healthier environments for all species and reduce exposures and behaviors that threaten our reproductive health,” Levine adds.
* * *
“You know, Mr. President,” the advisor said, “this might blow up into something big.”
What was she talking about? Something blew up? “Uh, yeah, right on Jack. Get us some of that whatsathing frixabilmulator. Stealth bomber. That’ll show those sonsabitches they can’t trample on the red, white, and, ah, you know . . ..”
“No, I mean the fertility crisis. With an election coming up and your fifth term on the line, we have a major problem with the suburban white female vote.” The advisor straightened her glasses. “It turns out an awful lot of them really do want children and grandchildren.”
“Ah, the hell with—you know what, just bring ‘em in from Mexico. China. I don’t care, honey, we can get them the American way. It’s a thingamajig we used to do the last time that son of a bitch talked shit to me I popped him in the you know where . . .”
“Mr. President, please, this is serous—”“
Not as serious as the time I told that fat orange whatshisface he could . . .”
* * *
Professor Shanna Swan, one of the co-authors of the research, has made headlines in the last year with her new book Count Down, in which she predicts an imminent “spermageddon” scenario, wherein by 2050, almost zero-level sperm counts will lead to existential issues for humankind. The median man could have a sperm count of zero, meaning that one half of all men will produce no sperm at all, and the other half will produce so few as to be functionally infertile.
* * *
Should he feel guilty for his part in this? For creating technologies that sucked the energy, as well as vital life essence, from its mostly male users? So what if VR-porn and virtual sex dolls helped collapse the already low marriage rates. They prevented male violence by keeping the incels busy in virtual worlds where they left flesh-and-blood women alone.
But therein lay the problem. And the external wombs which were supposed to be the mitigating factor in this equation couldn’t work if the remaining men who were supposed to provide the raw materials couldn’t deliver the goods, in a manner of speaking.
A riddle wrapped in an enigma. He’d made so many millions trying to give women what they wanted—freedom from creepy men, the ability to pursue their careers uninhibited by the scourge of pregnancy—and instead he’d helped make everybody miserable. Sure, his children, including his two fine sons, would die rich and happy, but they’d also die alone . . .
* * *
Professor Shanna Swan, one of the co-authors of the research, has made headlines in the last year with her new book Count Down, in which she predicts an imminent “spermageddon” scenario, wherein by 2050, almost zero-level sperm counts will lead to existential issues for humankind. The median man could have a sperm count of zero, meaning that one half of all men will produce no sperm at all, and the other half will produce so few as to be functionally infertile.
Although the study does not specifically investigate the causes of this decline in sperm counts outside the Western world, the authors are in no doubt that “lifestyle choices and chemicals in the environment” are playing an important role. These are precisely the causes Professor Swan identifies in her new book.
Obesity and inactivity are powerfully implicated in male fertility decline, and so is exposure to so-called endocrine-disrupting chemicals, like BPA and phthalates. People around the world are getting fatter and doing less exercise, and the full extent of human exposure to endocrine disruptors, which are often essential to industrial processes like the manufacture of plastics, is now being revealed. Microplastics – tiny pieces of plastic that act as vectors for endocrine disruptors – have been found in arctic ice, circulating on wind currents, and at the bottom of the oceans, as well as in the lungs, brains and placentas of mammals, including humans.
Exposure to endocrine disruptors during gestation is a particular problem, and can adversely affect fetal development. Prof. Levine notes that recent research shows how disturbances in the development of the reproductive tract during fetal development display a link to lifetime impairment of fertility and other forms of reproductive dysfunction.
As well as serving as a measure of reproductive fitness, sperm counts are a more general index for male health. Low counts are tied to lower testosterone levels and an increased risk of chronic diseases, depression, testicular cancer and reduced lifespan.
“The troubling declines in men’s sperm concentration and total sperm counts at over 1 percent each year as reported in our paper are consistent with adverse trends in other men’s health outcomes, such as testicular cancer, hormonal disruption, and genital birth defects, as well as declines in female reproductive health. This clearly cannot continue unchecked,” explains Swan.
* * *
It was supposed to free her from the burdens of sex. She wouldn’t have to care what men thought of her in a physical sense. If that was the case, why was she still staring at this damn mirror, horrified and disgusted at what she’d let herself become? If she wasn’t supposed to care about this sort of thing any more, why couldn’t she let it go? Was something wrong with her?
Or was something wrong with everybody else? This was a possibility she hadn’t entertained in, well, ever. But at age twenty-nine, to feel like the remainder of her life would be a bleak, endless march to the cubicle farm and back again with nothing else to look forward to, no living legacy, was a living death, prison for a crime she never committed. Born into a world she had no control over the rules of.
So she could start by taking back some of that control. Maybe she’d never have children, maybe nobody ever would, but she could try. Where was the shame in that?
Slowly, almost reverently, she picked up her long-unused razor, turned the water on, and placed her foot on the sink.
* * *
The Importance of The End of Men
These concerning trends have been given a new political importance by the recent Tucker Carlson Original, “The End of Men”, which explores the decline in male fertility, as reflected in sperm counts and testosterone levels, and its implications for the broader health and success of the nation. The documentary features interviews with an array of experts, including Robert Kennedy Jr., as well as features on attempts by “broscientists” to reclaim their masculinity through exercise, clean eating and, most memorably, “testicle tanning”.
The documentary was hit with a furious backlash from commentators on the left, who accused Tucker Carlson of exaggeration, promoting “pseudoscience” and flirting with “fascist” rhetoric and imagery, by glorifying healthy, fit bodies or “hyper-militant masculinity”. Some commentators noted the absence of “persons of color” from the documentary, while others were content simply to point their fingers and laugh. “Tucker Carlson’s documentary is a bizarre, homoerotic fever dream”, ran a headline from pedophile publisher Pink News.
It’s hard not to suspect that Tucker’s predominant focus on young white men, a demographic liberal commentators could hardly be accused of taking a positive interest in, let alone caring for, is one of the major reasons for their visceral response. But this new research is a serious spanner in the works for those who want to claim Tucker is simply playing on fears about a lost American past where men were men. The truth is, the masculinity crisis is real, regardless of skin color or place of birth. It’s a global problem we all must take an interest in solving – before it’s too late.
* * *
Would there be no cure? Would there be no answer to this problem? The environmentalists initially decried the pollution but had quickly changed their tune when it meant that humanity would go extinct. So there you go, one group who chalking this crisis up as a win. But as he sat there, contemplating his own part in this catastrophe of Biblical proportions, one question kept boomeranging itself to the forefront of his mind:
How the hell else did they expect this all to turn out?
– Alexander
Twelve music-inspired tales by ten titanic authors, with no microplastics in sight. Increase your testosterone by reading Pulp Rock!
Terrifying.
Modern horror story. Reminiscent of P.D. James' book, "Children of Men." We'll done 👍 We would do well to heed the warning.